The Answering Machine Service


SOME FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE GREETINGS.

<1>
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

<2>
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."

<3>
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

<4>
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

<5>
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?
Oh.. we're not home, leave a message."

<6>
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

<7>
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

<8>
"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

<9>
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
" beep " Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

<10>
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

<11>
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

<12>
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

<13>
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

<14>
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

<15>
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

<16>
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting
your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's
why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will
never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

<17>
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

<18>
Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

<19>
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

<20>
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.

<21>
Answering machine message: A is for academics, B is for beer, one of those reasons is why we're not here.

Good Quotations by famous people:

Whatever you do may seem insignificant, but it is most important that you do it.
.....Mahatma Ghandi

If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
.....Abraham Lincoln

Worry is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
.....Dorothy Galyean

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust. .....Samuel Johnson

Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.
.....I Don't Know


3rd law of thermodynamics: things go worse under pressure.
.....I Don't Know

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.
.....Abraham Lincoln


I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
.....Lily Tomlin

Wise sayings often fall on barren ground; but a kind word is never thrown away.
.....Arthur Helps (1813-1875)

SoNyMaX

Learn to speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?





THINGS FOUND ONLY IN AMERICA
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



PEOPLE REALLY SAID THESE THINGS IN COURT

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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